So, how should I feel? You tell me.

I'm not sure if this is my anxiety or depression talking, but all I can tell you right now is that I feel hopeless and sad, yet again.  This summer is one of my worst ever.  I have been sick for weeks, and only got my independence (in the form of my car) back last week.  I am sad because I feel so very alone.  I have a few family members, I have a few friends online whom I've never met in person.  But other than that, I have no one.  I am so broke that I have no money to go out for coffee with friends.

I'm about to put in an application for a different apartment complex.  Its in a small village, nearby family but distancing myself from my current anxiety triggers.  But the majority of residents are senior citizens, not my age group.  Also, due to timing, I might need to move back home temporarily between apartments.  I can't stay here past September 30th, and I can't move in there until something opens up in 3-6 months.

And then, there's the feeling that I'm just turning into an old maid, no good, damaged materials, no one will ever want me again.  I want to date, marry, have a child.  I'm on several dating sites.  I'm even Facebook friends with a guy who I met on a site, and who I would really like to date, truly, but I can't seem to win a date, and understand its because he truly is better than me.  Am I so far gone that I don't deserve happiness anymore?

I know what some will say - in order to be happy, you need to be happy alone first.  Well, I've been alone for 9 months, in an apartment.  I've established routine.  But I'm not happy.  I'm lonely, bored, despondent.  I'm not happy because I feel I have no one who truly cares.  To me, being in a relationship is important, because I want to make someone else feel loved, and to feel loved.

And then there are others of you who will say to just look around the world.  Look at Syria, Dallas, the Phillipines, Fort MacMurray.  There are so many in the world worse off than you.  Yes, this is very true.  But shelter and food aren't everything.  Love is necessary.  Love is needed.  Love is required in life.

Sometimes, I wish I could move away, far away, and just start over.  I can't stop being bipolar, I can't get away from my crappy credit score, I can't erase my past.  But I wish I could find a new support system, find a reason to smile every day.

Any ideas on how I can smile?  Is this how I should feel?  You tell me.